Again, I am horrible about keeping up with this blog. I promise to do better! Where to begin? The last two months have been an emotional rollercoaster. Many may already know, but my papa (mom’s dad) had fought cancer for 19 years and on May 28, 2009, he went home to be with Our Lord. This was such a blessing in so many ways, but as all humans we grieve. I don’t think that we grieve so much for our loss of him, because we know that it is only temporary, but for all of us that are left behind and will miss such a great person! But as the old adage goes, life must go on. And so that is what we are doing.
The Tuesday after the funeral Chris and I decided that it was time to go back to the doctors and pursue our children quest again. We had decided during the spring to take a few months off of all the treatments. For two reasons really, one they are emotionally draining and two they are financially draining. So at the last doctor’s appointment the doctors told me that we have a 0% chance of conceiving children the traditional way and a 13% chance of conceiving using IUI (artificial insemination). So when I asked what are options were they suggested Invitro Fertilization. They give us about a 60% chance of success rate for this. So here we go about to embark on a new journey though the world of infertility! I promise to blog more often through this process. We meet with the doctors on June 11, 2009 to establish our treatment plan and to give them ALL our money!
This whole situation has also added to my emotional rollercoaster. I can assure you that without the Lord and prayer there would be no way to stay sane through all of this. I have been trying to find others that have been through this and have tried to see how those other Godly women have handled things. I have had some luck coming up with a few encouraging poems that I keep printed of and refer to on a daily basis:

1. He meant for my husband & I to grow closer, become stronger, & love deeper. He meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. He meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, & create procedures & protocols to eventually find a cure for infertility.
God never meant for me not to have children. That is not my destiny...it's just a fork in the road I am on. I have been placed on the road less traveled, & like it or not, I am a better person for it! Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and a greater inner strength on this journey & I haven't let him down.
Truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong & so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing feeling I have ever known.

2. There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money
or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life,
the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake
in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature,
pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to
or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment,
as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn
to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

I promise to keep everyone better up to date as long as you all promise to pray for Chris and I and God’s will in our lives and pursuit for children. Until the next time!!